Deconstructing Fear: One Brick at a Time

Fundamentals of Growing Fearless – Part 5

From the moment we begin socializing, we face countless situations that our mind labels as threats.
Each one becomes an opportunity—or rather, an excuse—for the mind to protect itself by building defense patterns for the future.

Many of these patterns are helpful. They allow us to avoid discomfort or even real danger. But there’s a problem.

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I was born in Lima, into a huge extended family. At any given birthday party, there could easily be seventy people! A real challenge for any wallet in the room.

What I loved most at those gatherings were the sandwiches and the multicolored jello. But before we even arrived, my mom would train me: “Wait until we sing Happy Birthday before you start eating—and don’t take too many sandwiches, leave some for the others!”

That training stuck. For years, it made me feel like there was something wrong with me, like I had to hold back, suppress my desire. For at least two decades, I felt shy and uncomfortable eating with friends, especially when older people were around.

Can you see it? A small, well-intentioned pattern that ended up shaping my behavior for years.

Thank goodness I see it more clearly now. If I’m hungry, I ask for more. And no one gets offended.

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Let’s focus on the pattern itself. Imagine it as a single brick.

Now, imagine the years passing. How many other patterns have we added to our personality?

At some point, we might find ourselves like this illustration:

Wondering why we get stuck?

The illustration above is amazing because it says so much:

• I come in peace.

• I can only see in front of me, I do not have a full view of what is happening.

• I do not have enough space to stretch.

• Looks like I’m stuck in place.

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Let’s start deconstructing the patterns of fear

What happens when you remove just one brick?

You feel a little more free.

And here’s something important: many of your fears are quietly embedded in your personality. They're baked into the story you tell yourself about who you are. For example:

“I’m a dog person, not into cats.”
“I’m not a dancer—I don’t like parties.”
“I’m not into selling.”

These might not sound like fears. But they could be protective layers—bricks—designed to keep discomfort away.

So the real question becomes:
How do I find my fears… if I’m not even aware they’re there?

To answer this, let me tell you how I came to this realization.

Years ago, I started an event series called Fear & Fail. I coached more than 80 speakers, and over time I confirmed something important: failure is a doorway to fear. Each speaker answered the question: What fear created or contributed to my story of failure?

Often, they went deeper while speaking in front of an audience. Something about that moment—the vulnerability, the reflection, the shared humanity—led many of them to uncover hidden fear patterns right then and there. It was amazing to witness. Many left the stage feeling freer. Some even changed the direction of their lives.

Let me share two examples:

• A startup founder opened the first zero-waste store in his city. Knowing logistics would be tough, he hired a team. But the team wasn’t as committed as he’d hoped. As the pressure mounted, he took on more and more himself and pushed others harder. Eventually, customers noticed the cracks, and he had to shut down. At first, he blamed poor hiring choices. But during his Fear & Fail talk, he realized something deeper: his perfectionism had overshadowed his ability to lead. His fear of failing publicly stopped him from asking for help.

• A business consultant used his talk to announce his retirement. He planned to say his career had been largely unsuccessful. But on stage, he lost track of his story—and spontaneously made up one about an old elephant. As he told it, he found something true: older people still have a role to play. That night, he changed his mind about retiring. His talk revealed a hidden fear—his fear of aging—and how it had clouded his view of an otherwise successful career.

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If you want to deconstruct your fear patterns, you can follow these steps:

If you want to start deconstructing your fear patterns, try this process:

1. Identify a failure in your life. Write it out in detail.

2. Ask: What fear caused, contributed to, or allowed this to happen?

3. Name the fear. (e.g., fear of not being good enough.)

4. Then go deeper: Where did this fear come from? (e.g., fear of disappointing my parents.)

5. Ask: When did I first feel this fear?

6. Finally: Does this fear still make sense today? Is it protecting me from a real threat—or is it outdated?

Often, you’ll find these patterns were helpful once—but no longer. When that’s clear, the pattern tends to fade. The fear, having been heard and seen, no longer needs to stay active.

When you feel free, you realize you are love.

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